RoosRead Discussion #3 Conversation & Traction

I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times, by Mónica Guzmán

Welcome to UMKC Libraries’ RoosRead discussions for Academic Year 2023-2024! See the other posts in the series.

What Makes a Conversation…a “Conversation?”

When Guzmán talks about conversations, she is explicitly NOT talking about our average, run-of-the-mill daily communications. A lot of how we converse with others is transactional and functional and not elevated to what she refers to as an “everyday art.”

So what characterizes a “conversation” in the sense of what Guzmán means? She proposes that these conversations that have the potential to lead to “bridging conversations” that further our understanding of each other have two distinguishing properties: that these conversations are “self-fueling,” in that we can engage in a cycle where we listen, identify gaps in our knowledge (and understanding) of someone’s views, and ask questions that help to fill our gap in knowledge and understanding – and then identify further gaps in our knowledge, and ask more questions, until we run out of time or the conversation runs its course. Also, these conversations have the property of establishing or reinforcing a bond or connection between the people engaged in the conversation. “The connections we generate in conversation help us build trust with each other, which helps us release deeper stories, revealing more gaps in our collected knowledge…When there’s more trust, there’s less fear, and taking risks in bridging conversations becomes easier. The bonds we make in conversation help us talk about harder things.” (p 79).

As we do this in these conversations, we will move ourselves from conversing about what our ideas are to conversing about how and why we think the way we think about these ideas. What we really are interested in with a “bridging conversation” is to become curious about people, because better understanding the how and why people think differently can release those INTOIT (I Never Thought of It That Way, remember!) moments that will bring us both closer to understanding each other. Those bridging conversations have reach, grip, and balance, according to Guzmán. Reach means we learn something new, grip means that we connect with each other, and balance means we respect what each other offers in the conversation.

I love the metaphor of the Conversation Console that Guzmán develops in her chapter on Traction. For me, I can visualize having knobs to adjust (or readings to monitor) for whether a conversation has potential to become a bridging conversation. Those five important knobs are:

1. Time – do we have time to talk and develop the knowledge that comes from an in-depth discussion, or are we in a rush?
2. Attention – can we (both) devote our attention to a conversation now, or is one of us, or are we both, distracted by other things competing for our mindspace?
3. Parity – if we are in a social context or space where one set of ideas is valued over another, then a conversation will also value the voice that brings those ideas to the conversation. Hardly a good space to have a bridging conversation!
4. Containment – Are we having the discussion in a space where we don’t have a lot of external audience (or, in the case of Twitter and other social media, trolls and lurkers)? If we are talking and our entire audience is just the other person, we are likely to be more open about what we say, knowing that we don’t have to be perfect in how we say it. And neither do they.
5. Embodiment – Are we having a conversation where I can express myself using all the communication tools (including nonverbal ones like posture, gesture, etc. – in addition to things like tone and volume), and also very importantly, so I can truly listen to the entire person I’m talking with in the conversation?

Using the tools at our disposal with Guzmán’s Conversation Console, and in seeking to have bridging conversations, we also need to have the conversation develop traction. We have all had conversations that fizzled out after a few minutes, unresolved. We have also all had conversations where we lost track of time entirely, we bonded with the person we were talking with, and we learned something we didn’t know and grew from it. Guzmán identifies four conversational skills to look for and use in conversations in order to help build this traction, and she coins the mnemonic Traction LOOP to help us remember:

• L – Listen for the meaning people are trying to share
• O – Observe the people we are conversing with; are they uncomfortable, bored, relaxed, calm, or animated?
• O – Offer something to the other person in the conversation, like a personal story, noting personal differences (or agreements) in belief with them, or just offering a reaction to the conversation
• P – Pull, or watch for opportunities to bring new material into the conversation, particularly by encouraging the other person to offer something to the conversation

As we become more proficient at recognizing opportunities to have these “conversations” that can we can work into “bridging conversations,” it will become easier for us – because we are activating and using our curiosity, not just letting ourselves ponder something internally, and letting it go. Bridging conversations are a practical manifestation of using our curiosity to build meaning.

Let’s discuss!

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Guzmán creates some great acronyms (INTOIT = I Never Thought Of It, as in INTOIT moments;  the traction LOOP = Listen, Observe, Offer, and Pull)! Additionally she articulates some vividly memorable metaphors (like the Conversation Console, with knobs we can adjust related to time, attention, parity, containment, and embodiment in order to tweak our conversation from a transactional into a bridging one). Was there a particular acronym or image that reminds you of a tool that you believe will stick with you from this book? How do you think you will put it to use? Do you already have a particular situation in mind?

Getting a jump start on next month?

While we won’t forget to be curious, we’re going to start examining people. What do we need to know about other people? What do we need to know about ourselves? We’ll be discussing Chapter 8. Until then, stay curious! If you aren’t yet curious, get curious!

By: Scott Curtis, Teaching & Learning Librarian